SQUID'S IN...

In a seafood restaurant is a water tank with various forms of aquatic life, so that the customers can choose exactly which delicacy they want to eat.  Fish, eels, prawn, lobster, squid, whatever - they're all in the tank awaiting their fate as some punter's dinner.  In the corner of the tank sits a little green squid, as meek, mild and limp as all get out.  Punter comes in one day and says "I'll have that thing in the corner of the tank - and hurry it up, I'm starving!"  Gervais, the head waiter replies "Certainly sir," and uses a net to fish Squidly out of the tank.

He takes it into the kitchen, lays it on the chopping board, lifts his cleaver - and looks into the eyes of the limp, little green creature staring inoffensively up at him.  "It's no use, I can't do it," he says.  He turns around and spots Hans, the dish washer, standing over at the sink.  "Hans, I just don't know what's come over me.  Customer at table number 7 wants this squid for his lunch, but I don't have the heart to kill it.  Will you do it for me?"

"Sure thing," says Hans, walking over to the chopping board and picking up the cleaver.  Little Squidly sits limply staring up at him, and Han's resolve crumbles.  "Nah, I can't do it either," he says to Gervais, not quite understanding why he can't kill the little thing.  However, I know the reason, and am about to tell you now.

For Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervais, with mild, green, fairly limp squid.

******

(If you're British and know the old Fairy Liquid ad, you should find that funny.  If not, you'll be scratching your head.)     

SIMON TEMPLAR - DEBONAIR, SOPHISTICATED - AND GAY...?

Here's WARREN MITCHELL (before his days as ALF GARNETT) and ROGER MOORE (plus some burd) in an overdubbed clip from The SAINT.  (Very funny.)  RORY BREMNER does the voice of ST.  

(To now see this clip, you'll have to jump over to YouTube to view it there.  Well-worth it.)

KLASSIC KIRBY KOMIC KOVERS: BLACK PANTHER #16...

Image copyright MARVEL COMICS

Okay, so it started out as the splash page of FANTASTIC FOUR #52, but it's a (variant) cover now.  I still say that The THING is too small, looking almost like a pygmy, but that apart (and The PANTHER's ridiculous ears), it's an effective image by JACK (King) KIRBY.  You should still be able to buy this mag at any good comicbook store, but if you can't think of one, pop into GREGGS instead and buy a cheese & onion pasty.

KLASSIC KARTOON KOLLECTABLES - YOGI BEAR...

Since he first appeared in The HUCKLEBERRY HOUND Show back in the late '50s, YOGI BEAR has been present on shop shelves in some form of merchandise in every decade right up to the present.  That's quite an achievement when you think about it.  I now have more items of '60s merchandise than I had back then, and I'm always on the lookout to add to my collection.  Three items I had in the '60s yet elude me, those being a pair of Yogi slippers, a Hallowe'en mask, and an inflatable 'Punch' Yogi.  Maybe one day, eh?  (Update: Now got the mask.)

In the meantime, here's a couple of items I acquired only recently - a Yogi toothbrush holder from the '60s, and a Yogi bubble bath from the mid-'90s.  That bear's going to take over the world someday - trust me.

CUTE KITTENS COMPILATION...

Like kittens?  Then you'll love this.

RECOMMENDED EATING: SAUSAGE ROLL...

Had a delicious sausage roll the other day, which hit the spot nicely.  Where did I buy this meaty morsel you're no doubt wondering?  Why, GREGGS, of course.  If you're out at the shops today, then pop in and buy one and fill that empty space in your tummy.  You'll be glad you did - or my name isn't Handsome Gordie.  (Well, it is in my house.)

AVENGERS KING-SIZE SPECIAL MINI COVER GALLERY...

Images copyright MARVEL COMICS

As I gad about the streets of Glasgow, spreading joy and merriment among all those I encounter, I'm often asked "What's your next blog post going to be about, Kid, O wisest and kindest of men?"  Truth to tell, although I do sometimes plan my posts ahead, most of the time they're spontaneous, which is a nicer way of saying I just make them up as I go along.  This is one such instance, where I decided - off the top of my head - to show you the covers of the first four AVENGERS King-Size Specials.  (And they're all mine too.)  Enjoy!

Incidentally, I first read the story in the above comic when it was reprinted in the last few issues of FANTASTIC back in 1968.

Don't blame me for this one - the cover's bound this way on the comic

A CRAZY KIND Of LOVE - MINI COVER GALLERY...

Images copyright GUSSONI-YOE STUDIO, Inc.

Well, more weird than crazy as a matter of fact - though the two words are not entirely different in this case.  Here's half a dozen covers from WEIRD LOVE, which someone gave me a few weeks back.  These covers are slightly misleading, as they give the impression that the stories within might be quite lurid and shocking, but they seem to be moral-driven tales, written with the intention of setting a good example to teenagers and young couples.  I've only read a couple so far, but they're an entertaining way of passing the time.

(BOND) BABE Of The DAY - DIANA RIGG AS EMMA PEEL...

Oo-er, this photo looks just a bit

naughty, though it was on mainstream

TV in the 1960s so it must be totally clean

and wholesome, in spite of its slightly saucy

appearance.  It's the sexy DIANA RIGG,

down in the basement of her brand-new

local ANN SUMMERS store.

CRIVENS' CLASSIC COMIC COVERS: BRAVE & THE BOLD #28 & FANTASTIC FOUR #1...

Image copyright DC COMICS

Apparently, the success of DC's The BRAVE & The BOLD #28 was what prompted MARVEL to publish The FANTASTIC FOUR #1.  Some folk even see a similarity between the cover layouts - or could it just be their over-developed sense of imagination?  What do you think, readers?  Do you see a deliberate similarity - or just a coincidental, vague resemblance?  Feel free to share!

Image copyright MARVEL COMICS

BABE Of The DAY - GABRIELLE DRAKE...

I asked GABRIELLE DRAKE

what TV show she used to be in, and

she replied "U.F.O."  Huh!  There was

no need to be so rude, girlie - I only

 asked you a simple question.

IS ANYONE LISTENING TO THE SONG OF NATURE...?

                                            If only we could hear sweet Nature's song,
                                            and did not stride the Earth with bloody sword,
                                            our future would be happy, loud and long,
                                            and we with our surroundings in accord.

                                            Then we would see the wonder of the world,
                                            enjoy the sights and sounds of Nature's gift.
                                            Or have these joys been selflessly unfurled
                                            on those who in their thankfulness show thrift?

                                            Mankind in blind contempt does cut a trail
                                            through all the riches that this globe bestows.
                                            As Nature does protest to no avail,
                                            proud man in folly shrugs with upturned nose.

                                            The truth is that it doesn't have to be;
                                            if only blinded humankind could see.

THE CUTTING EDGE...

Thank goodness for eBay.  I've just managed to buy a couple of OLFA cutters (see above) that I first bought way back in the late '70s.  I've still got my original two, but as they're showing a bit of wear, I decided to get myself some new ones.  I've been looking for a few years now, but art stores had stopped stocking them, saying they'd have to buy a pack of 50 at a time, which they were reluctant to do.  I can't see them on the OLFA website so maybe they're now discontinued, but thankfully I was able to obtain them from a seller called Stationery Tech.  They've only got six left in case you're interested, so better be quick.

RECOGNISE THIS FELLA?

                               

                          
                                         I am the handsomest of men,
                                           the ladies look, then look again;
                                           I'm toned and fit, and tall and dark,
                                           in my blue eyes resides a spark
                                           which makes them tremble deep within
                                           and lets me turn their hearts to 'sin'.
                                           If truth be told, I'm quite a tease,
                                           but women's eagerness to please -
                                           to play the game of 'birds and bees'
                                           and do their utmost to appease
                                           my appetite for pleasures rare -
                                           lets me perform with style to spare.

                                           I am Adonis come to life,
                                           all women wish to be my wife.
                                           I conquer hearts with languid ease
                                           and watch them buckle at the knees.
                                           I laugh as their chins hit the floor
                                           whenever I pass through a door.
                                           E'en Sapphic slaves can't help but 'turn'
                                           so filled with lust for me they burn,
                                           their 'lady love' they all do spurn
                                           and nevermore will they return
                                           to their past wicked wanton ways,
                                           such is the power of my gaze.

                                           My skin is firm and tanned and smooth,
                                           my honeyed words do serve to soothe
                                           the fever in their lustful hearts,
                                           pierced by cherubic Cupid's darts.
                                           I cannot fail, I am God's gift
                                           to women who require a 'lift'
                                           to make them feel desired and young
                                           by one so manly and well-hung,
                                           who charms them with a silver tongue,
                                           whose name and fame are so far-flung -
                                           for me they'd all lay down and die...
                                           and do so with a grateful sigh.

                                           Who am I?  Why...

                                           I'm Mr. Handsome.

RECOMMENDED EATING: CHEESE & ONION PASTY...

Had a cheese & onion pasty yesterday - superb.  Where

can you get such a culinary delight you ask?  Where else but

your local GREGGS.  Rush 'round and buy one today.

BATMAN AND ROBIN ARE BACK - PLUS THE VILLAINS...

BATMAN, ROBIN & CATWOMAN copyright DC COMICS

I showed you this DVD back in December, but have only now got around to watching it.  Know what?  I really rather enjoyed it and would heartily recommend it to all fans of the '60s BATMAN TV show.  CATWOMAN is seriously sexy for an animated drawing, and there's a great moment when ADAM WEST uses the MICHAEL KEATON line "You wanna get nuts...?  Let's get nuts!" from the 1989 movie.

The only reservation I have is that Adam West does sound a bit old at times (well, he was in his 80s), but I believe that technology exists for making people sound younger (utilised in the CAPTAIN SCARLET TV ads featuring FRANCIS MATTHEWS and ED BISHOP in the early '90s) so it's a shame it wasn't used in this instance.

However, that's a minor thing, and it's simply great to hear West and Ward playing the CAPED CRUSADERS again.  And the other voice artists do a great job sounding like the villains.  Well worth having.

   

Great to see the '60s BATMAN logo again

The opening credits are great - and don't miss the end ones

ADAM and BURT spy on JULIE's bedroom (he lied)

You'll gasp at some of the positions she assumes

LEE, JULIE and EARTHA - though only Julie's voice is the original

BABE Of The DAY - LINDA THORSON...

LINDA THORSON has a

great pair of sea legs, shipshape

and Bristol fashion.  She took the

wind right out of my sails, let me

 tell ya (figuratively, that is).

THE GAME Of LIFE (YOUNG ALBERT)...

               Young Albert was a shy-ish lad, who didn't mix too well,
                      and when he started his new school, his classmates made life hell.
                      He liked to draw, he liked to write, he liked to read, and think,
                      the others liked football and sports, so he was 'out-of-sync'.

                      His fellow pupils thought him odd, they mocked his speech, his looks;
                      he had no friends among his peers, his only friends were books.
                      But there was one to whom he dearly wished he could relate,
                      a girl he hoped to find the nerve to ask out on a date.

                      A mere three desks away from him sat lovely Lucy Brown,
                      at last the lad dared ask her out - she flatly turned him down.
                      "I don't go out with geeks or freaks," she had so cruelly said,
                      in his humiliation Albert wished that he was dead.

                      A bitter lesson Albert learned on that most fateful day,
                      the game of life is one that's sometimes very hard to play.
                      So he withdrew into himself and set his face like stone,
                      and where he walked, fate had decreed that he should walk alone.

                      In school one day, the teacher said "A poem all shall write.
                      Profundity should be your aim - avoid the bland or trite."
                      Young Albert set to work and lo, at his endeavour's end,
                      he'd far exceeded teacher's goal, a mighty work he'd penned.

                      His poem spoke of life and love, of all its hopes and fears,
                      and all who read the poignant work, could scarce hold back their tears.
                      In stately rhyme, young Albert's words had struck a common cord,
                      with phrase so keen, he proved the pen cuts deeper than the sword.

                      The poem's fame soon spread beyond the confines of the class,
                      some said his verse would wring a tear from eyes made out of glass.
                      It didn't take too long 'til it was known throughout the school,
                      They hailed it as a masterpiece, regarded it as "Cool".

                      "Best ode we've ever read," they said, "such first-class poetry.
                      It should be printed in a book, for all posterity."
                      At last a publisher was sought to set the work in print,
                     "Should write some more," their spokesman said, "you'd make yourself a mint."

                      But Albert never wrote again - he'd hit 'creator's slump'.
                      The fact was that, in truth, he was a 'spring' and not a 'pump'.
                      In that one burst of brilliance he'd said all he had to say,
                      and what he'd said could not be said in any better way.

                      Young Albert died at seventeen, struck down by some 'malaise',
                      But God, we're told, so often moves in such mysterious ways.
                      In years to come, when his school chums have fallen prey to time,
                      they'll be forgot - but Albert's name will live on through his rhyme.

ARE YOU SINGING THE OLD-AGE BLUES...?

     

                                                   Bald and toothless, growing old,
                                                   hard of hearing, bent and stooped;

                                                   my limbs won't do a thing they're told,
                                                   and in my boxers I've just pooped.  

                                                   Although I creak when I get up
                                                   and walking can be quite a grind,

                                                   and through a straw my soup I sup,
                                                   and cannot keep a thought in mind;

                                                   I try to keep stiff upper lip,
                                                   and not to let things get me down,

                                                   but there's no firmness in my grip,
                                                   and gravity gives me a frown.

                                                   Oh, curse old age and all it brings,
                                                   it doesn't come alone, it's true,

                                                   I'd need a whole new set of springs,
                                                   in order to keep up with you.

                                                   I'm past my prime and on the heap,
                                                   I've got a case of "old-age blues",

                                                   recalling my last "lover's leap",
                                                   it never would've made the news.

                                                   I never had much luck with dames,
                                                   they always went for other men,

                                                   but lust no longer now inflames
                                                   my passions past a count of ten.

                                                   I'm yellow, wrinkled, cannot see,
                                                   and fear the doctor when he calls;

                                                   I'll doubtless fail my "M.O.T.",
                                                   but must accept whate'er befalls.

                                                   When old friends die and are despatched,
                                                   it's not compassion that I lack;

                                                   from funerals I stay detached,
                                                   at my age, not worth coming back.

                                                   So pity me, my life's near done;
                                                   this battle I'm destined to lose,

                                                   and listen to my words, my son -
                                                   one day you'll sing the "old-age blues".

SOME POINTS TO PONDER...

Saw this on YouTube while looking for the DOCTOR WHO Christmas Trailer.  I offer it without comment for your consideration.  You can make up your own minds (and I'm sure you will).  Then feel free to share your thoughts on the matter with your fellow Crivvies.

The SADDEST WORDS...

Three friends were sitting at the bar,
by late hour undeterred.

"Pray tell me, lads," says I, "what are
the saddest words you've heard?"

"Could they be 'bar's now closed'," says one,
"when trying to buy the drinks?

Or how about 'we're dry' my son,"
the other says, then winks.

"But no," says I, "the saddest sound
that you will ever hear,

is two words very often bound
with thoughts of one held dear.

See, once I loved a gal so fair -
in fact I love her yet -

with love that was beyond compare,
though seasoned with regret."

"She loved a better man than I,
saw me as 'just a friend',

and never knew for her I'd die,
so I had to pretend.

Yes, pretend that she meant nothing,
and didn't hold my heart,

ah, but lads, the strain of bluffing
almost tore me apart."

"We've all been down that road I'm sure,
that well-worn, travelled track,

Where we've no choice but to endure
someone not loving back.

Ah, if only she had loved me,
if only she had dared,

if only she had wanted me,
if only she had cared."

"If only she had needed me,
as living things need air,

if only she had longed for me,
I wouldn't know despair.

Another time, another place,
who knows what might've been?

The look of love upon her face
is what I might've seen."

"Despite my heartache I'll be brave,
though no fate's worse than this -

to trudge through life towards my grave,
and never know her kiss.

The saddest words you'll ever hear -
the anthem of the lonely -

come with a sigh and oft a tear -
two whispered words - 'If only'." 

(1998) 

DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS TRAILER...

Ah, if only DAVID BRADLEY had been signed

up as DOCTOR WHO full-time.  What a wonderful

Christmas that would've been - for me at least.  The

two saddest words you'll ever hear - "if only."  Any-

way, roll on Christmas Day says this old fart.

BABE Of The DAY - LINDA THORSON...

Shocking that lovely LINDA

THORSON is the only AVENGERS

gal who hasn't been a BOND girl.  Eon

should give her a wee cameo (maybe as a

baddie) in the next 007 film and finally

redress that little oversight, don'tcha

 think, Crivvies?  Then say 'aye!'

The COUNT Of MONTE CALLISTO...

I think I got my first CALLISTO for Christmas 1968 or '69.  I can't quite remember whether I got him before Sgt. STORM, who, along with DOUG DAVIS, JEFF JONES, and the oversized Captain LAZER, were all part of Major MATT MASON's band of astronaut buddies.  And for a while in my childhood, some of them were my buddies as well.  Any memories of any of these toys, Criv-ites?  Let's hear from you.

(No, I haven't forgotten SCORPIO, but I'm not sure whether he was friend or foe.  Too lazy to look it up.)

FAREWELL TO FABULOUS FLO (R.I.P.)...

Just learned from NICK CAPUTO's blog that STAN LEE's gal Friday in the '60s, Fabulous FLO STEINBERG, died yesterday.  A bit of MARVEL died with her. Rest in peace Flo.  (To read Nick's more detailed look at Flo's career, click here.)