TURN ON - PUSH/TALK - LET GO/LISTEN. HOW DIFFICULT IS THAT?

I was in a new shop called HOME BARGAINS today (it's new in our shopping centre anyway) and saw a portable door chime kit at a very reasonable price.  Back home, in preparation for fitting it, I first had to remove the old one which no longer worked (and hadn't for some time). That's when the memories resurfaced of an earlier house and an earlier time from around 30 years ago.

You see, dear reader, I'd first purchased that doorbell when I lived in that other house, which was the one it was intended for.  I probably bought it at least a year before we moved back to my present abode (regular readers know the story), but I simply never got around to it.  However,  I had first envisioned it on that other front door, and even though I've passed it on my way in and out of my present address for around 25 years (I was back here for about two years before I had it fitted), I still mainly associate it with my previous home.  With one exception that is, which I am now about to relate.

I say 'doorbell', but it was actually an ARCHER intercom set I'd purchased in TANDY.  My reason for acquiring it was so that my elderly parents could check who was at the front door before opening it, but it proved to be an utterly futile ambition.  When I eventually got around to having it fitted (in my present house, remember), I carefully explained the rather easy procedure for operating it, which was this.  "When someone rings the bell, turn on the intercom, then press the button clearly marked 'push/talk' and ask who it is.  When you've done that, let go of the button in order to hear the response.  Got that?  Turn on - push/talk - let go/listen."  I demonstrated it several times, but they simply couldn't get the hang of it.

I'd go to the front door, ring the bell, and, my father would  forget to press the 'on' button to activate the thing.  He would simply press the 'push/talk' button, but because the intercom wasn't switched on, I couldn't hear him.  Again I would demonstrate the simple three part procedure: "Turn on intercom when you hear the bell, press the 'push/ talk' button to ask who's at the door, let go of the button to listen to the response."  In my impatience, I felt that teaching retarded chimps how to clap their hands would've been far easier, so uncoordinated and uncomprehending were they in following my simple instructions.

I was driven to frustration and tempted to bang my head off the wall - ironically akin to what it felt I was already doing in trying (and failing) to impart enlightenment to my parents.  I could've house-trained an incontinent puppy sooner than it seemed I'd ever be able to teach them those three simple basic steps.  "NO!  Turn the bloody thing on first.  Look - (Click!)  Now press the 'push/talk' button and speak - (Press!)  'Hello, who's there?'  Now let go of the 'push/talk' button and listen - 'It's the Milk Man come for his money!'  Now how bloody difficult is that, for feck's feckin' sake?  Aaaarggghhhh!"

They still couldn't do it.  Even when they remembered to turn it on first, they'd forget to let go of the 'push/talk' button after speaking, so they couldn't hear me at the door shouting "Let go of the feckin' push/ talk button for feck's sake - how many feckin' times do I have to tell you?"  Sometimes my father would push the button, speak, forget to let go, then suddenly remember, by which time I (or whoever was at the door) had finished replying.  As there was no answer (already having been given) he would ask again, "Who's there?", but he would forget to press the 'push/talk' button first so he was talking to himself.

"It doesn't work!" was their blunt assessment of the device designed to protect them from dodgy characters at the front door.  "No, IT works, it's your BRAINS that don't!" were the tender, loving words from their dutiful, affectionate and caring son.  It was pointless to persist.  They never used it and I soon gave up trying to show them how simple it was.  What is it about getting older that turns the brain to mush?  I hope I'm not that bereft of comprehension when I'm the age they were then.  Of course, it may simply have been that my parents thought there was nothing any mere youth could teach them, and therefore paid no more than superficial heed to my 'technical' instructions.

Anyway, a new bell is now fitted, but - worn and non-working as the old intercom set now is - I don't think I'll ever throw it out.  Too many memories, and, the above tale apart, mainly associated with the previous home for which it was originally intended.  Funny that, eh?  

IS THAT YOU OR IS THIS ME...?

Here's something we've all asked ourselves at some time or other, I'm sure.  When it's super smooth vocalist JIM REEVES doing the asking however, it's usually worth listening to the question.  Thinking caps on...

BABE Of The DAY - VICTORIA VETRI (AGAIN)...

Okay, blonde bombshell VICTORIA

VETRI may currently be in her 70s and

serving time in the pokey for attempting

to 'off' her man, but back in the day, she

 was a pure babe.  Can't disagree, eh?

WILL THE REAL STEADFAST McSTAUNCH PLEASE STAND UP...

Image copyright relevant owner

As related in the now departed DENIS GIFFORD's letter below, STEADFAST McSTAUNCH was originally a dog in the first incarnation of KNOCK-OUT comic back in 1949/'50.  Above is the strip from the cover-dated November 29th, 1969 issue of WHIZZER & CHIPS (#7), wherein Denis reverted the then-current version of ol' Steady back to his original doggie-self.  I don't have the next issue, but relax - Steadfast regained his human form and all was right with the world.

TOYBOX TREASURES Of The PAST: The CHERILEA DALEK...

I remember it as if it were yesterday.  As I rushed 'round to a newsagent's just about to re-open after lunchtime, I tripped on a slab and plunged head-first between two metal railings, banging my head on them in the process.  "That'll teach you not to run!" came the voice of one of two old biddies sat on a wooden bench to the side of my prostrate form.  Suddenly her friend shouted "Oh, look at the blood!" and I was hurried upstairs to a nearby doctor's surgery where I was cleaned up and had two stitches put in the wound in my forehead.

Later that evening, back home, as I recuperated on the settee, my mother came back from the shops with a CHERILEA DALEK as a gift for my stricken self, still dazed from the thump to my head and the loss of the blood which had run down my face like an avalanche of crimson snow.  It had looked worse than it was, of course, but I was only about nine or ten and, to me, it felt as if I'd been involved in a major accident.  I had a scar on my forehead that's still visible to this day, and I yet have the stitches as a memento, although it took me 19 years to reclaim them after inadvertently leaving them behind when we moved house four or five years later.

But that's another tale.  The Cherilea Dalek was an odd toy.  It consisted of three main parts (not counting the appendages), and was an ill-fitting and not very accurate representation of DOCTOR WHO's arch-enemies The DALEKS.  It came in an assortment of colours that could be swapped from one to another, depending on just how many of them you were lucky enough to have.   As far as I remember, it was only available in WOOLWORTH'S, and I owned several of them at different stages.  If I recall rightly, the one my mother brought home wasn't the first I had, but it's the only one that has a story to accompany it.  Whether it's a story worth telling is another matter, but we Bloggers need material to write about, so you're stuck with it.

Anyway, yesterday, I took possession of a single replacement for all those I had as a child.  I couldn't say if its colour matches any of my previous ones, but hey - it's an actual, Cherilea Dalek from Woolies and these things don't grow on trees.  So say hello to my new pal, and if you have any memories of having this toy, feel free to share them with your fellow Criv-ites in the captivating comments section.

PART TWO Of The TITANS COVER GALLERY...

Images copyright MARVEL COMICS

Where's Nifty NICK CAPUTO when you need him?  This should be right up his street as Nick is an expert at identifying all the artists who drew the covers, splash pages and pin-ups for MARVEL's British weeklies in the  '70s & '80s.  I'm not such an expert so I won't even bother trying.  Instead, I'll settle for just introducing the second instalment of The TITANS cover gallery and taking satisfaction from sharing this collection with fellow Criv-ites everywhere.

So, let's have a big hand for me then, for being so unselfish and an all-round great guy!  "Hip, hip, hoo..." - hey, where'd everybody go?  Oh, well... can't win 'em all, I suppose.

SOMEWHERE, A MOTH IS CRYING - DICK MILLINGTON R.I.P.

Dick Millington.  Photo from The Daily Mail

I've just been alerted by one of cartoonist DICK MILLINGTON's children that the editor of TV COMIC and creator of MIGHTY MOTH sadly passed away at the age of 81 on the 4th of this month.  Richard (Dick) Millington is one of the true legends of British comics and his flame will burn forevermore, undimmed even by death.  I'm sure that all Criv-ites - indeed, all of comics fandom - would like to pass on their condolences to Dick's family and friends (including a certain little moth) at this sad time.

His art style was the first that ever made a big impression on me, to the extent that I recognised it a year or two after first seeing Mighty Moth in a TV Comic Holiday Special.  (In 1962 or '63.)  I didn't recall the name of the comic, but when I was idly leafing through an issue of the weekly in a newsagent's shop one day and saw the diminutive lepidopteran, I purchased it immediately.  Alas, another childhood hero gone.  I so wish I'd had the privilege and honour of meeting him.

Below are some of my favourite Mighty Moth strips by Dick.  (Click to enlarge, then click again for optimum size.)

TOYBOX TREASURES Of The PAST: YOGI BEAR'S CIRCUS BAGATELLE...

Copyright relevant owner

When I was a kidlet, I had two bagatelles - a DALEKS one and a FIREBALL XL5 one.  I think I acquired them in jumble sales, though I can no longer recall whether they overlapped or there was a gap between my possession of them, but they were great little things.  In fact, given that its purpose is to see who can amass the highest score, the Bagatelle could probably be regarded as the precursor to modern computer games with which children today are so fascinated.

Anyway, sad man that I am, in my continual quest to reconnect with my faraway days of childhood, I recently acquired the MARX YOGI BEAR Bagatelle which you see above.  I don't think I ever actually owned this one as a kid, but had I known about it at the time, being the world's biggest Yogi fan, it's just the sort of thing I would've wanted.

Well, I've got one now, so thought you might like to see it.  I assume it comes from around the same time as the HEY THERE, IT'S YOGI BEAR movie from 1964, as it seems to tie in with the circus theme of the film.  Of course, as far as I recall, HUCKLEBERRY HOUND, Mr. JINKS, and PIXIE & DIXIE didn't appear in the cinematic classic (what's a little hyperbole between friends?), but I'm glad they're on the Bagatelle.

Coming next:  My CHERILEA DALEK!

BABE Of The DAY - CANDY LOVING...

Seems I'm not the only one who

loves the stunning CANDY LOVING,

 so here she is again.  Down, boy!

BABE Of The DAY - THE IRON MAIDEN...

Hands up all those who were expecting

MARGARET THATCHER?  Get outta here,

you filthy pervert!  We're speaking about the

real IRON MAIDEN!  (So there!)

ROLL UP, ROLL UP! The TITANS COVER GALLERY - PART ONE...

Images copyright MARVEL COMICS

As part of my constant quest to entertain all you Criv-ites, I now present the first part of The TITANS cover gallery, which will conclude with part six as there were only ever 58 issues published before it merged with SUPER SPIDER-MAN.  The Titans was an interesting mag, being the same size as MARVEL U.K.'s other weekly periodicals, but flipped on its side so that the bottom edge became the stapled spine. This allowed two reduced U.S. pages to be printed side by side, giving readers almost twice the content of other Marvel weeklies.

It's been said that The Titans was cancelled because it used up reprint material far too quickly, but Marvel is unlikely not to have anticipated this in advance.  It would've been a simple task to replace some strips with others when they started catching up with U.S. mags.  Besides, not all strips were presented complete in one issue, some being cut into two halves, with the second part appearing in the following ish.  Also, some splashes were redrawn to fill the full width of the page, effectively replacing two reduced U.S. pages, so Marvel certainly seems to have made allowances for the voracious nature of what was referred to as the 'landscape' format.

No 1's free gift colour poster

The fact is, had The Titans been the success that was hoped for, Marvel would've found the material to fill it, as no publisher ever cancels a hit mag.  And besides, they'd changed Spider-Man's comic into the same format, which they wouldn't have done had they been concerned about consuming their back-catalogue too rapidly. The simple fact is that sales gradually dropped off on The Titans and it was deemed to have gone as far as it could profitably go.

However, it was too good a name to lie dormant for long, and a few years later, the title and logo were revived for one of Marvel's Pocket Books.  However, that only lasted for 13 monthly issues, so the second incarnation, alas, fared no better than the first.  No need to shed too many tears over that sad fact now though, as we eagerly embark on a journey of rediscovery, ravenously revisiting The Titans' first ten of 58 certifiably classic covers.

And remember to come back for Part Two.  (You know how I hate to go anywhere by myself!)

Back cover to #7.  50p?  Aren't gifts supposed to be free?

BABE Of The DAY - JESSICA ALBA...

Gentlemen, once again I give

you JESSICA ALBA!  (Better put

some clothes on, love - you'll catch

your death of cold like that.)

The COMPLETE FABULOUS FANTASTIC FOUR POCKET BOOK COVER GALLERY - PART ONE...

Images copyright MARVEL COMICS

Continuing our series of Pocket Book cover galleries, we now turn our attention to MARVEL's famous first family and gasp in awe at the 14 amazing covers laid before our startled eyes.  And, when I finally manage to extract the digit and track down a few missing issues, there'll be another 14 FABULOUS FANTASTIC FOUR covers for you to appreciate in the hopefully not-too-distant future.

In the meantime, you'll have to settle for the images in this post, but fret not.  Before you know it, you'll have the complete set to whisk your minds back to the early '80s, when you were much younger and friskier than you are now.  Okay, got your cup of Horlicks in hand?  Then let's go!

Update: Click here for Part Two.