THE DAY I ROBBED THE BANK AT MURRAY SQUARE...

Well, that's not quite true - it was an ATM, not a bank, and retrieving my own money can hardly be described as robbery (I hope).  Here's what happened for you to make up your own minds about it.

It was May 6th and I was withdrawing £250 from an ATM outside a local shop, as I didn't want to cut open another mattress.  As the money protruded from the slot, I took hold of it and pulled it towards me.  However, because modern banknotes are so smooth, the first note (a tenner) slid off the top and the remaining £240 came out partially, froze for a moment, then tipped back inside under the rollers.  Oh, you should've heard my language.

I went into the shop and asked if the ATM was anything to do with them and was told no.  "It's just swallowed my money" I said, and was told to ring the number on the machine.  I did, and was told that I'd need to speak to the RSB, so the ATM people connected me to them.  This was on a Wednesday, with a bank holiday weekend looming, but I was told that in circumstances like this, although it usually took 48 hours for money to be credited back into an account, it might take longer than usual.

However, my money hadn't been drawn back through the rollers of the ATM, it had tipped underneath them, not gone back into the bowels of the machine, so I carefully explained this to the person on the 'phone.  "Check after the bank holiday" I was told, and had to be content with that.  On the 12th, I went down to my local bank, who said they'd initiate an investigation, but that it could take up to 15 days to complete.  That 15 days expired today, and when I checked my bank account, no money had been returned to it.

So back into the bank, who told me that the ATM company had 'declined' my claim, saying that no surplus amount of £240 had  been found in the machine.  "Of course not," I said, "it didn't go back through the rollers, it slipped underneath them.  I explained all that."   I was told I'd have to talk to the ATM people again, but I hadn't kept the number, so had to go back to the offending ATM to make another note of it.  I withdrew a tenner from a second account so that I could see if my notes were still lying in the tray under the rollers.  Guess what?  They were!

Three weeks later?  Yup.  Y'see, when people are drawing out their money, the notes obscure this tray and the flap/lid closes immediately, so customers would've been unaware of my dosh's presence.  I got the manageress to come outside, withdrew another tenner from the other account, and asked her to witness that my £240 was still there, which she was perfectly happy to do.  I then went home, 'phoned the ATM people, who said they'd look into the matter, but couldn't tell me when an engineer would be out to look at the machine.  "Will it be days, weeks, or months?" I asked.  "Sorry, we can't say," I was told.

I'd been without this money for three weeks and my patience was at an end.  I went back to the ATM armed with a flexible plastic ruler, a slightly bendy plastic balloon stick, and a roll of double-side sticky tape.  I also took a small bottle with me to jam open the flap.  A guy was withdrawing money, so I asked him to hold the flap up when his money came out, jammed the bottle neck into the machine, and, one by one, retrieved £220 of my money.  The remaining £20 note slipped off to the side somewhere, out of sight and out of reach.

Luckily, one of the directors of the shop was there today and, understandably, wondered what I was doing.  When I explained the situation, he very kindly gave me my missing £20 out of his own pocket and said he would call out an engineer right away.  Turns out this could have been done three weeks ago and I could've got my money back that day, but the assistant I'd spoken to in the shop back then wasn't interested in sharing that information, saying that the machine was nothing to do with them.

Anyway, when I got home, I 'phoned the ATM company again, told them I'd retrieved most of my money and that the guy in the shop had made up the difference.  "He shouldn't have done that" I was told.  "Well, he did," I said, "so when your engineer examines the machine and retrieves my £20, give it to the shop staff so that the guy gets his money back."  "No, we can't do that" I was told.  "Well, from your point of view, it's still my £20, so if you won't give it to him, restore it to my account so that I can give it to him myself."  "We can't do that," came the retort, "any money will be returned to our head office."  (Or she might've said the bank's head office, not quite sure.)

I 'phoned the shop to explain things, but though the director had left, the engineer was now on the premises, so I trotted along to speak to him.  He said he'd been unable to find the £20, but perhaps he wasn't allowed to convey that kind of information so that the ATM people could hold onto any money found.  Just think, I'd have been out of £240 if I hadn't decided to take matters into my own hands.  My notes had been lying in the tray for three whole weeks, even though someone from the ATM company had regularly been refilling the machine during that time.

Declined my claim?  Not on their bloody life, Crivs.  Take a leaf out of my book - don't let these b@st@rds mess you about and never give up.  If I hadn't rescued my money myself, at some point it would've been discovered lying in that tray and 'disappeared' without me knowing about it, never to hear about the matter again and leaving me £240 out of pocket.

At least this time the 'good guys' won.