Monday, 8 February 2021

THE LAW IS AN ASS...

And here's 22 examples that prove it...

A few years back, one of my pals gave me a copy of what purported to be questions actually asked by attorneys during trials, and, in some cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses, as recorded in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal.  I thought I'd share them with you.

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1)   "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

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2)   "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"

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3)   "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

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4)   "Were you alone or by yourself?"

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5)   "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

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6)   "Did he kill you?"

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7)   "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

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8)   "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

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9)   "How many times have you committed suicide?"

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10)   Q:  "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

             A:  "Yes."

             Q:  "And what were you doing at that time?"

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11)   Q:  "She had 3 children, right?"

            A:  "Yes."

            Q:  "How many were boys?"

            A:  "None."

            Q:  "Were there any girls?"

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12)   Q:  "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

             A:  "Yes."

             Q:  "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

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13)   Q:  "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"

             A:  "I went to Europe, sir."

             Q:  "And you took your new wife?"

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14)   Q:  "How was your first marriage terminated?"

             A:  "By death."

             Q:  "And by whose death was it terminated?"

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15)    Q:  "Can you describe the individual?"

              A:  "He was about medium height and had a beard."

              Q:  "Was this a male, or a female?"

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16)    Q:  "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

              A:  "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

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17)    Q:  "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

             A:  "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

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18)    Q:  "All your responses must be oral, okay?  What school did you go to?"

              A:  "Oral."

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19)     Q:  "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

               A:  "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

               Q:  "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

               A:  "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

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20)     Q:  "You were not shot in the fracas?"

                A:  "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

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21)     Q:  "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

              A:  "I have been since early childhood."

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22)    Q:  "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

              A:  "No."

              Q:  "Did you check for breathing?"

              A:  "No."

              Q:  "So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

              A:  "No."

              Q:  "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

              A:  "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

              Q:  "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

              A:  "It is possible that he could still have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

7 comments:

Colin Jones said...

A few years ago I was listening to the Open Book programme on Radio 4 and they had a list of the strangest questions asked by the public in bookshops. My favourite was:

Member of Public: "Do you have a book called "Lionel Richie And The Wardrobe"?

Shop assistant: Do you mean "The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe"?

Member of public: No, Lionel Richie is definitely in it.

Philip Crawley said...

Given what passes for law in the USA, or lawyers these days, none of this surprises me! Scary, also funny, but mainly scary - how many years do these 'Legal Eagles' study to qualify. and how much are their fees when they do? Somebody is being ripped off big time!

Kid said...

Makes you wonder if the public (or at least some of them) are just as bad as those lawyers, CJ. We all know that Lionel Richie is in Lord Of The Rings. (Isn't he?)

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What fascinates me, PC, is whether they win any of their cases or not. Given the questions they ask, it would seem highly unlikely. Just think - your fate could be in the hands of such people.

Dave S said...

I once heard a work colleague ask a customer "is your husband married?".

Kid said...

Brilliant. Was their brain out for a walk at the time?

Dave S said...

Same guy used to say "give me a pacific example" when he wanted clarity, and frequently used the word "irrespectable" instead of irrespective. It was entertaining just listening to him.

Kid said...

Sounds like the PI in the Daredevil saga 'Born Again'. He was always using the wrong words, thinking he was being highly articulate and intelligent.



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