BOB BILLENS - CARD-CARRYING COMEDY CREATOR (IN HIS DREAMS)...

Here's another tale about 'Bob Billens', which ably illustrates how some people who think they know what they want don't actually have a Scooby about how things work.  The sheer level of stupidity involved is difficult to believe.  Here's what happened.

'Bob' had recently taken a comedy writing course and was confidently convinced he had the talent to earn some extra dosh by supplying humour sketches to radio and TV shows.  Amazingly, he did actually provide some material to a few shows, but never really managed to make much of a mark.  However, he decided to get a business card printed for this new enterprise and asked me if I'd provide an illustration for it.  (As a favour, obviously.)

Demonstrating an amazingly 'original' touch of 'creativity' (that's sarcasm by the way), he asked me to draw a 'cartoon' of a kilt-wearing Scotsman carrying a giant pen.  (I can't recall whether I originally drew him with a 'tam o' shanter' or added it later at Bob's request.)  I duly produced the cliched caricature and sent it off to him, only to receive a list of 'improvements' practically by return post.  (This was in the mid-1980s - the internet hadn't yet conquered the world.)

Make him taller, thinner, and older, with a longer face.  Give him hairy legs, a tattoo on his arm, and a bottle of whisky with a triple 'x' on the label.  Add garters to his socks, and change his boots to brogues - all of which I did in double-quick time.  Reinforcing the stereotype of the drunken Scottish bampot may have seemed like a stroke of comedy genius to Bob, but I didn't think it was particularly inventive - or funny.

Anyway, I eventually received one of his cards and I couldn't believe it.  (Call me Victor.)  In order to reduce the figure I'd drawn to a size the card would accommodate, he'd photocopied it many times over, making it smaller with each copy 'til it fitted.

Not only had most of the linework been wiped out with each successive copy, but the figure on the finished card was only a few millimeters high, rendering all the detail he'd requested redundant from the very start.  What a tube!  Talk about wanting the Book of Genesis on a postage stamp - this was seriously rippin' the p*ss.  What's worse was, he'd clumsily and ineptly tried to retouch the missing linework, making a total pig's ear of the whole thing in the process. 

But guess what?  He was actually quite pleased with the card, believing it was his 'input' which had resulted in something bound to impress everyone who saw it.  To me, the only impression it would've made was that the card-holder was deluded.  I subsequently used the figure on a leaflet for a restaurant, but not before I made a mental note to be 'busy' should Bob ever ask for my help on any future 'projects'.

I still shake my head in disbelief at the memory.  I'll add scans of the card and his 'instructions' when I remember where I put them, but in the meantime, the figure at the top of the post was copied from the original drawing some years ago.  (I omitted the whisky and pen as they were surplus to requirements.)