When you're young, you have absolutely no concept of never having existed. On an intellectual level (if you ever felt disposed to consider the matter), you know there was a time when you weren't around, but you can't truly conceive what it was like because non-existence is a difficult if not impossible state to imagine.
Think of any period in mankind's history from before you were born; the Old West, the Victorian Era, the 1920s or '30s - whatever. Even though you never experienced them, you almost feel as if you have, thanks to history books, old photographs, artists' impressions, TV shows, historical fiction, movies, etc. And because you can't remember your beginning, it seems as if you never actually had one and that you've been around forever. At least, that's what it seems like to me.
Consequently, when I was a teenager of 14, I subconsciously laboured under the impression that I had always been. (Though the same perception also applies to any point in my childhood from when I first became aware of my surroundings.) It's unlikely that I was alone in that regard, and it's surely the same for 14 year-olds today. It's only because fourteen years to someone of my age passes so quickly that I finally realized just how inconsequential such a period of time actually is. I've got things lying around the house which have never been out of the wrappers since I bought them that are older than that.
As you inexorably inch closer to that time when the condition of non-existence threatens to once again engulf you, it's a prospect you tend to contemplate more than you did (if at all) in your younger days. Finally, you begin to be able to nearly catch a glimmer of what extinction might be like, and the prospect isn't a pleasant one. I recall waking up in hospital one day after a procedure which required my unconsciousness, and was alarmed to find I had no recollection of even a half-sleep-like state between being knocked out and coming to.
As I said, no half-remembered thoughts, vague dreams, or hovering on the edge of awareness to connect me to my pre-anaesthetised self - only an absolute absence of even the slightest sense of continuity between the two conditions. It was then that I realised what oblivion must be like. It was as if I'd been dead for however many hours I'd been out, and, although my body was still functioning, as far as my mind was concerned, there was no discernible difference between death and unconsciousness.
So, death is not merely a case of not waking up, it's also not even being aware of going to sleep or being asleep at any stage in the process. Shakespeare was wrong; there are no dreams in the sleep of death, only a blackness and silence from which we never awaken - an eternal nothingness, an everlasting night.
That's no doubt why I often find myself wishing I was only 14 again. The illusion of no beginning (and, by extension, no ending), while temporary, is a comforting and necessary notion, otherwise we'd probably abandon our journey before we were very far into it. After all, what's the point of taking a road to nowhere?
Come to think of it, I wouldn't even mind being half that age. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to work on that elixir of life I'm developing. I just can't afford to relax if I want to be here in 2118.
******
We are but older children, dear,
Who fret to find our bedtime near.
Lewis Carroll.
8 comments:
I have to admit that ponderings such as these cross my mind as well, and a lot more often than they used to with each passing year! Can't recall when they began but I think sometime close to or after turning fifty, for some reason. Funnily enough I had a similar reaction after being rendered unconscious about a month ago for a procedure that required my awareness, as it were, to be switched off for a while. What was in effect to me a very long blink was time enough for my wife to leave the hospital for breakfast and a coffee, return and still have to await my readiness to return home. The thing about your eventual demise I think that causes us such mental anguish is its inevitability and the fact that we are powerless to do anything about it. It will happen. So as far as I am concerned I just hope that I can stay fit and active for a couple more decades yet and try to make the most of each day, although some days you just look back at the end of it (or some years for that matter!) and wonder where the time went. We have no control over growing older but I believe that I have largely succeeded in my goal to never grow up. At least in regard to the likes I had as a child (books, comics, pop culture, etc) and not losing my sense of wonder about the natural world and the universe.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm a kid, PC, but other times I feel like an ancient, decrepit old fart. It's hard to accept that things I was around at the start of (like Dr. Who, James Bond movies, and Marvel characters for example) will still be around long after I've gone and I won't get to continue the adventure with them. Surely the things I've grown up with should either end when I'm not around to enjoy them, or I should go on for however long they continue to exist? I just find it hard to reconcile myself to the fact that one day I just won't be here. It doesn't seem fair.
I can't say that I ever felt as a teenager as if I had "always been" subconsciously or not but I do remember thinking about what existence/life in general for a while before thinking a lot about girls after that it was a bit of a blur to be honest. Like yourself and Philip I also had to have an operation (minor) that required being "put under" in the operating theatre and being stunned when I woke up 4 hours later as it felt like no time at all had passed even quicker than a good nights sleep (as Philip put it so elegantly it was just like a very long blink) that feeling of fading out and not recalling anything about it was at once quite scary but also comforting as if there is nothing at the end of the day, then that final second is seamless from existence into nothingness. I have to admit I do occasionally find myself wondering about the "end" as I stroll ever closer to the big 6-0 but I don't see the point in worrying or over thinking it as its something that we can't avoid, but its better to have a good life to life in the present and to look back on than to worry about the future. I think Dr Who a most MARVEL characters you followed as a kid are long gone replaced by other versions and James Bond will probably go the same way as well, so you wont miss too much going by your feeling about the new lady Dr Who :) - as always an interesting and thought provoking post Kid ,followed by the "Babe of the day" your still really that wee 13 year boy old at heart.
Never grow up, never grow old, never say die! That's my motto. Now if only I were convinced by it, PM, I'd be a much happier chappie. As you say, when we're not here, we won't know about it, but that's what bothers me - oblivion. I'm lucky that my name will probably appear in reprints of the comic strips I worked on, long after I've fallen off the twig, so I've achieved a sort of minor 'immortality' I suppose, but I'd still much prefer to be here to see what's happening. And an interesting and thought-provoking comment from yourself (and PC), so glad to see you're still reading the blog. By any chance did you buy the recent Ken Reid two-volume set of his Odhams work. Despite the irritating (though minor) imperfections, it's worth having.
I totally agree a young outlook on life is vital act old you'll be old. I am still reading the blog just working long hours so have little free time to comment but its all for a good cause as I hope to pack in the 9-5 rat race soon.I got the Frankie Stein volume thought it was brilliant will get the other one for Christmas (saw in in FP in Glasgow last month) Must be nice to have your name in print Kid on some pretty high profile books.
Yeah, it is nice to see my name in print to be honest. I was involved in the Ken Reid books (unpaid), but asked my name to be taken off because I was unhappy with shortcuts being taken. Though I suspect that, despite what I was told, it was never going to be on them anyway.
I agree totally with all you say..I had the same experience with the anasthetic when I had heart surgery. I woke 30 hours after the knock out wondering what the hell was going on...As for death I dont think you will know when it happens because once the blackness of eternity arrives theres no coming back. You wont even be able to worry about what happens to all those treasures you have collected
Somehow I don't find the notion that I'll be unaware of my oblivion (or know the fate of my treasures) in any way reassuring, LH. In the words of the song - "I wanna live forever!"
Post a Comment