Monday, 30 July 2012

SANDPAPER YOUR BUM - THE IZAL WAY...


I remember (back when I
was a kid) raising my hand in
class one day to ask permission
to go to the toilet. The teacher
must have enquired whether I
would be 'standing' or 'sitting'
because I recall her opening a
cupboard and taking out a roll of
loo paper, from which she tore
off one sheet and handed it to me.
I was only five years old at the time,
but no way in hell was one sheet of
bog roll going to be up to the job
required of it - especially as it was
IZAL toilet paper, which was rough
on one side and smooth on the
other. Using the rough side was
like scraping your bum with a cheese-grater, and using the smooth side only
smeared any remnants of your 'deposits' all over your nether-cheeks. (Either
way, the jaggy edges it acquired when it became scrunched on 'application'
almost tore your @rse apart.) I'm sure this teacher would've used more than
one sheet to wipe her own posterior, so what she was thinking of in doling it
out only in single figures is a mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes himself.

Izal medicated toilet paper had other uses of course. It came in handy for
playing the comb'n'paper (shame on you if you don't know what I'm talking
about), and also as tracing paper for those less artistically inclined than
myself. A couple of years and another primary school later, I remember one
lad coming in one morning with a tracing of RUMPELSTILTSKIN from
his school reading book and trying to pass it off as an original drawing. The
game was up when the sheet of Izal was placed over the page in the book,
revealing him as the bare-faced liar that he was. (And became renowned
for in subsequent years.) "My sister drew it!", he lamely proclaimed -
much to the ridicule of the rest of the class.

Looking at the picture at the start of this post, I can even remember
what the paper smelled like - before use, I mean. It had a slight whiff
of disinfectant that was not altogether unpleasant, and the memory of
it whisks me right back to my childhood. It was even commonly used in
homes, not just schools and hospitals. Having said that, however, thank
goodness for the advent of the ANDREX puppy and the soft, cushioned
toilet rolls with which it so playfully romped. Life is full of enough trials
and tribulations without the performance of one's necessary toilet
ablutions being yet one more of them, I'm sure you'll agree.
   

And, in case you want to relive a moment from your youth, Izal
medicated toilet roll and tissues are still available online from various
suppliers. Go on, treat your botty to a good ol' fashioned scrape at the
earliest opportunity. (In a non-pervy way of course.) 

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

the Sunday Post mentioned Izal yesterday, apparently the quality is better now. These days people use the Dandy.

Kid said...

"People use The Dandy" - I wish I'd said that. ("You will, Oscar, you will.")

Christopher Sobieniak said...

I don't think we had anything like that in the US, and probably for a good reason!

George Shiers said...

Hi Kid,

I'd just like to say sorry for the stuff I wrote earlier in the year. I hope all is forgiven and we can pick up where we left off.

-George

Kid said...

I suppose that apologising shows a certain level of maturity (if it's sincere), so you're free to comment on posts if you wish to.

Anonymous said...

Does using Izal make you the Rawhide Kid?

Kid said...

I haven't used Izal in many a long year. I much prefer to pamper my posterior with a plusher poo-wipe.

Anonymous said...

At least no one can call you an anal retentive.

Kid said...

Exit only, no entry, is my motto.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure the world is very grateful to hear that.

Kid said...

Dunno about the world, but I certainly am.

Anonymous said...

as Basil Brush would say BUM BUM!

George Shiers said...

Thanks Kid!

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Just to show theres no hard feeling I've added your blog back to the side of mine, and I'll delete the posts!

:)

Mr Straightman said...

I'm sure the paper we used at my lower school was Bronco or Brobat or something like that. Felt like wiping your bum on a handful of broken glass... at least, I imagine that's what it would feel like.
For the love of God do NOT look for the online video of one man and a glass jar. Just don't.

Kid said...

I think I saw his x-rays in an issue of Loaded - blerrcchhh!