LOOPY LAPSES IN LOGIC DEPT...

Images copyright MARVEL COMICS.  Cover art JACK KIRBY & GEORGE KLEIN

Recently, over on Jaunty JIM SHOOTER's blog, Jim was discussing why the original AVENGERS/JLA team-up comic never materialized - the plot was pants, apparently.  It just didn't make much sense, and by the time it had been pummelled into an acceptable shape, most of the participants had lost their enthusiasm for the beleaguered project.

However, dodgy plot-holes that you could steer the TITANIC through are nothing new in comics; plots are usually (or used to be) just an excuse to get the heroes together for a fight - before they realize their mistake, become the best of pals, and then team up and rush off to confront the villains.  In an age when comics were primarily aimed at kids, logical, intricately thought-out plots were hardly considered a necessity, and, as long as events galloped along at an exciting, rip-roaring pace, it's unlikely that young readers ever dwelt on (or even noticed) any deficiencies in the details.

Take FANTASTIC FOUR #1 for example. Allegedly the greatest brain on the planet, REED RICHARDS decides to take a rocket into space - knowing that it doesn't have sufficient shielding to protect them from cosmic rays.  What's more, he drags along his fiancee and her kid brother - who are presumably about as useful as a fart in a spacesuit when it comes to piloting the ship.  Talk about irresponsible?

But there are even more howlers than you can shake a stick at.  Are secret rocket bases so negligently guarded that four people could 'sneak past the guards', gain access to the rocket, and then take off without the assistance of the ground-based launch crew which would be required to accomplish lift-off?  Well, in the world of four-colour comics it seems anything is possible.

Cover art JACK KIRBY & DICK AYERS (though The TORCH's
face has a hint of GEORGE KLEIN inks about it to my eyes)

Jump now to issue #2 - The SKRULLS From OUTER SPACE.  Hark at this amazing piece of 'logic' from JOHNNY STORM as he comes up with a 'cunning plan' for smoking out the four Skrull aliens who are impersonating them.  Reading in The DAILY GLOBE that a new rocket is to be tested, Johnny indulges in an amazing display of brainpower.  Are you ready for this?  "Our four imitators may get confused if one of us tries to sabotage that rocket site!  They may think it's one of them and reveal themselves!"

Sure!  The four aliens who are impersonating the four humans and are likely to be hiding out together in a group of four.  For the 'plan' to succeed, the alien impersonating Johnny would have to be absent from the group at just the right time, and what are the chances of that happening?  As a plan it falls far short of even being half-@rsed, but - can you believe it?  Reed Richards - the greatest mind on Earth, remember - actually approves it.  (And, astoundingly - to say nothing of preposterously - it actually happens that way in the comic.)  Is it only me, or does anyone else think Reed is a bit of a dipstick?

Cover art JACK KIRBY & DICK AYERS

Issue #3?  The MIRACLE MAN, greatest hypnotist on the planet, is also the thickest hypnotist on the planet.  Rather than go to all the bother of hypnotizing everybody so that he can rob jewellery stores and banks and thereby amass a fortune, why not just hypnotize them into thinking he has a wallet full of cash whenever he pops out on his weekly shopping jaunt to Tesco's?  "Say, miss - can you change this $100 note" he'd say, waving a piece of Monopoly money in front of the checkout girl's fizzog.  It always works for me.

One can multiply examples of this kind a thousand-fold with just the application of a little thought when reading these bygone classics of yesteryear.  However, perhaps I'm being a little bit harsh.  These stories were intended to be read by undemanding kids who were only interested in action, adventure and excitement - logic was never part of the package and it hardly seemed to matter as long as the story thrilled and entertained its young readership.

Remember, we're talking about 'long-underwear characters' - absurdity is inherent in the basic premise from the get-go.  So, next time you're reading your favourite comic, don't get hung up on the details - just enjoy it for what it is.  Unless, that is, it takes itself so seriously that the writer deserves a slap on the head if you ever run into him.  (And, if so, give him a good slap from me while you're about it.)

For more Loopy Lapses in Logic, click here.