Thursday, 10 August 2017

THE HITMAN AND HER...



Bloke goes into the pub one night, looking glum.  After a while, the barman says "What's up, mate?  You look really miserable."  The bloke looks at the barman and says "Ach, it's the wife.  She's been playing away from home - I wish she was dead!"  Barman thinks he's joking and laughs, then notices that the bloke isn't laughing with him.  "Maybe I shouldn't tell you this," he says, "but the guy sitting over in the corner - his name's Artie - is a hitman.  If you're really serious about the wife, have a word with him."  "Thanks," says the bloke, "I'll do that right now."

So the bloke strolls over to Artie and says "Your name Artie?"  "Yup," says Artie.  Bloke says "You a hitman?"  "Yup," says Artie.  Bloke says "How much would you take to kill the wife?"  Artie thinks for a moment, then replies "£1."  Well, the bloke is astounded, but it turns out that Artie is a hitman more for the love of it than the money, so the deal is struck.  Artie then proceeds to discreetly follow the bloke's wife for the next couple of weeks to get an idea of her routine, and to determine the best moment to strike.  He notes that she does her shopping in her local Tesco every Wednesday morning when the place is usually deserted, so he decides to top her on the very next Wednesday.

On the day, Artie strolls into Tesco and casually throttles the bloke's wife.  As he's making his way to the door, however, he sees another customer that he hadn't previously noticed, so he throttles her as well.  Then he thinks "Better do the till assistant, just in case she remembers my face," so he throttles her too.  As he's strolling up the road, a passing policeman, seeing three dead bodies through the shop window, and having noticed that Artie has just left the premises, gives chase.  Artie legs it, but is nabbed.

Next day in the paper, the headline reads:

"ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A £1 AT TESCO!" 

2 comments:

Colin Jones said...

Stop it, Kid, the hilarity is killing me. You should consider stand-up.

Kid said...

Nah, it's too difficult to type standing up, CJ - I prefer to sit down.

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